I’m not really sure how to start this post. I could say something witty, something inspiring but nothing is coming to me.
When I write it helps me deal with things. But this “thing” is a big deal.
I have lost my baby. There is no other way to say it. Yes I could say I had a “miscarriage.”
But that word downplays the fact that I lost a child.
I had been bleeding (some is normal in early pregnancy) and my husband put me on bed-rest. Then the cramping started. We knew then something was wrong.
We went to the after hours clinic where they ran some tests.
After an hour of waiting our worst fear was now a reality.
The poor doctor danced around telling me I had lost my baby. I could see it all over her face though. I sat there quietly as she explained that my levels had went down and that I needed to find a good gynecologist to follow-up with.
My body was numb….I couldn’t talk.
My eyes began to water but it’s like I couldn’t cry because I was in shock.
We walked out of the office silently.
On the way home I cried. I was no longer pregnant. I was beyond heartbroken. I still am.
No I may not have been very far along but to me a baby is a baby. That was my baby. Now all I have are the “what ifs.” What would it have looked like, which of us would it have acted like, what would it have grown up to be?
I feel like a piece of me is now missing. The only thing getting me through this is knowing that the Lord has a reason for everything. I could sit here and doubt him and his decision but it wouldn’t change anything. I know he knows what he is doing. We don’t always get to know or understand his plans.
My exact words in my post, “Why We Chose To Announce Our Pregnancy So Early” were
If something down the road does happen then I have to realize that it is all a part of His plan. Of course I will be hurt but I have to know that he has a reason for everything.
I still stand by this!
I feel that this isn’t it for us.
I still feel blessed that the Lord allowed me to have this baby for as long as he did. Some women never get to experience the euphoria you get from being pregnant. Even though it wasn’t for long I still am thankful for it.
The doctor I followed up with told me that my “blue-print” for pregnancy just wasn’t right. This was his nice way of saying it just wasn’t my time. Well I have faith that the Lord will give me “my time.” And I will continue to pray that he blesses us with another baby.
We WILL get through this.
Do I regret announcing my pregnancy now? Absolutely NOT! We have had an amazing support system through this. Even though it is hard to talk about, there are people taking time out of their day to check on me and make sure I’m okay. So no I don’t regret it one bit.
Considering the circumstances I am doing okay. Six months ago I wouldn’t have been. So I thank the Lord for holding my hand through this and keeping me sane. I also could not have done this without my husband. He’s always my shoulder to cry on…and this time was difficult because he was staying strong for me. He truly is an amazing man and I don’t want to imagine my life without him.
If you are in the same situation as us…or have been there before…pray, pray, pray! He will be there for you every step of the way.
I’ll leave you with this scripture.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11