Bio Mom(s) this one is for you…..from a loving (Step) Mom.
My situation is a little different than the average blended family. I not only have four (step) children, but my husband has to coordinate, plan, and communicate with two bio moms.
The older three kids are from my husbands first marriage and the baby is from his second marriage.
As of right now I have a good relationship with ex-wife #1 and not so much with ex-wife #2. However, ex-wife #2 is coming to the realization that I love her daughter as if she were my own and that she loves me dearly.
Even though I get along pretty well with ex-wife #1 and not so much with ex-wife #2 I wanted to address some issues that may have arose in the past two years or that may arise in the future.
First and foremost…
I am not trying to replace you.
You are and always will be their biological mother. You carried them for nine months, gave birth to them, and nurtured them into the loving children they have become. I would NEVER try to replace you because you are the most important woman in their life. Trust me….I have not and will not forget that.
Not to mention if it weren’t for you….I wouldn’t have my beautiful (step) children.
If a parent can love more than one child, a child can and should be able to love more than one set of parents.
As I said before I am not trying to replace you BUT I feel it is okay for the kids to love me as a parent too. No I didn’t give birth to them and I am coming in late in the game…but I am still a parental figure in their lives. When they are at the house I kiss their boo-boos, make sure they have what they need, and give them the love they need/deserve.
I am NOT in competition with you.
I saw a pin on Pinterest that summed this point up perfectly. It said,
“Biomoms and stepmoms need not compete. When was the last time you saw someone try to beat a team member in a relay race?”
I know my mouth must have dropped when I read this. It is SO true! Bio mom we are on the same team! We have the same goal: the happiness and well being of children we both love. I don’t want to compete with you and you shouldn’t feel the need to compete with me.
If I haven’t already, I may step on your toes in the future.
Before anyone gets excited….I’m not doing this on purpose. Even though I have not given birth to these children or a child (yet) I do still have motherly instincts as a woman. I may try to do something that I think is the best interest of the child not meaning to step on your toes or make you look bad. When those mother instincts kick in we all know sometimes we act then think. When this happens remember I am only trying to do what is best for the children….that is it. There is no vindictive or backstabbing behavior intended…I PROMISE.
I know…sometimes it hurts.
When you got married I know that divorce was never in your plan. You didn’t think you’d be faced with having to deal with another woman around your child. A woman your child(ren) love unconditionally and see as a mother figure too. No I don’t have children of my own yet so I don’t know exactly how you feel but I can imagine that it comes with a powerful sting. Just know that I came into the picture way after your divorce and I should not be hated for that reason. When it hurts…just know that I love your child(ren) as if they were my own. Hate me for something else…not because I love your children and they love me. Trust me I am human, I make mistakes, pick one of my many other flaws as a reason not to like me.
There are going to be times we don’t see eye to eye on things.
That pretty much sums up parenting in general doesn’t it? My husband and I don’t always agree on the same parenting approaches. So naturally bio mom….we aren’t going to agree either. We need to respect each other enough to not cause problems and get in the way with how we parent the children. That is unless one approach is harmful to the child.
I would love to be able to be civil.
Ex-wife #1 sometimes bypasses my husband and comes straight to me to figure things out (this is helpful because my husband can be forgetful lol). I love how me and her can communicate and figure out what is best for the children. We are able to sit near each other at school functions such as ball games and allow the kids to spend time with everyone at once.
I would love to be able to do that with ex-wife #2 but the baby is still little and we still have time to build that relationship. I have faith it will happen.
What is the take away from this post?
Whether bio mom or stepmom….we are both moms in the eyes of our children. We need to try to work together as much as possible to ensure that our children grow up getting what they need from both of us. I am not here to replace you but to augment our children’s life.
You gave them the gift of life, and life gave me the gift of them!
I hope this post helps others…even if it is just one person
(Step)moms just keep being the best you can be, and I pray you and the bio mom are able to work together for the children.
Kirstie
The Southern Pearl 
What a beautiful post. I can totally relate to this. Thank you for sharing! It takes an amazing woman to be a step mom, especially with no biological kids (yet) !!
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Thank you for the nice compliment :)! It was definitely a change but I was able to move into the role fairly easy.
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I’m looking forward to read more of your blog!
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This post was awesome! Although I am a step-mom with children of my own, this was 100% completely relatable. This open bio mom letter really summed everything up honestly & not in a nasty way towards bio mommys. This truly hit the nail on the head for me, literally very much on point! Great job! 🍸Here’s To:
* [Step]Moms Every Where*
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Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words 🙂
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Wow! Thats impressive and i hold so much respect for your views of yourself as a stepmom. I am a stepmom too, and tjo now i have a son if my own, i still have difficulty dealing with my stepson in my life. Reading your post has helped me realize that no matter what, my family is not like any other family (husband and wife and their biological children), because my husband has a son from another woman before i married him. I have probably unconciously fights with this concept, because i hated it. I dont like the fact that one of the child in my household is of another woman, and now i am raising him with my time, money, and my resources including my husband. I have raised him inti a high schooler but i am still having hard time with accepting him as a son like my 3 yr old son. Pls enlighten me.
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Lorna this comment makes my heart happy! I love hearing that I have helped others in some way with my blog. Being a stepmom is NOT easy and sometimes it’s just downright HARD! But it takes a special type of person to be a stepparent and it sounds like you are doing your best and that is all that can be asked of you. Keep on keeping on!
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Thank you so much for this. My future husband has two children by two different ex-girlfriends. While I have been all in and very excited to be a step mom the birth moms of my future step mom’s not so much. They’ve been rude, hard to communicate with and even abusive when it comes to giving the children’s dad a chance at being a true dad. I try to stay out of it, but it hurts to see them use the children as a weapon towards their dad, especially when he is a great dad and he loves them and misses them. This really gave me comfort and encouragement.
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Thank you so much for this. My future husband has two children by two different ex-girlfriends. While I have been all in and very excited to be a step mom the birth moms of my future step children not so much. They’ve been rude, hard to communicate with and even abusive when it comes to giving the children’s dad a chance at being a true dad. I try to stay out of it, but it hurts to see them use the children as a weapon towards their dad, especially when he is a great dad and he loves them and misses them. This really gave me comfort and encouragement.
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Jay I am so sorry to hear that it has been a difficult transition. I have come to realize that prayer is what gets us through the hardest time. I will be praying that things get easier for you all!
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Thanks for sharing and i do agree with you ……some things people say just floors me while sometimes i just laugh it off cuz they have no clue 🙂 i grew up with a stepmom and step brothers a nd step sister . Then i became a stepmom , i think i am too nice if anything and my heart gets walked on still to this day even though my youngest stepdaughter is now 26 and has two little girls of her own. Whom i love dearly! I’m always on a rollercoaster with her and ive been with her for 17yrs! The more i do the more she expects it seems and there is no feelings of gratitude coming from her . Ive had troubles with the oldest SD also but she got married and moved out right after i married her daddy almost . So, we have more of a friendship then mother daughter relationship. Im very proud of them both and i know they both know who they can count on when it comes dwn to it. Ive loved them cared for them and thier babies as if they were my blood (so to speak) my husband was never good with backing me up im pretty sure thats alot of the problem or where it stemmed from anyway . Needless to say i jist wanted to share a little of my story and see if you have any advice . And for the record i also have my bio-son that shares the same father with my SD ‘s . And coming into the relationship I have two phones already lost one in a wreck when I was pregnant with the baby and my other son moved back to Southern Illinois where we from when he was only 13 father figure in my husband for my boys just wasn’t in the cards I’ve done well to hanging here because I felt like I lost everything I had getting everything I ever wanted
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Should have read it over sorry about that i meant i had two boys already when i married him and his daughters
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I love this post. I wish so much i could get the slightest bit of respect from my kids bio mother.
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Why couldn’t my ex have married someone who is intellegent, mature, and respectful like you. You are a wonderful human being, and a glorious step mom. I don’t even see my kids anymore because my ex’s mistress decided she did not just want my husband, but my daughters too. She is a completely toxic human being and will never see the damage she is causing my daughters, because she is not intellegent enough to. I just frequently look for what other stepmoms are saying, and the ones that are like her are not writing blogs obviously, but it makes it so obvious that she did not have to be the wicked person she is, that she could have been a blessing in my childrens lives. She did not have to be a monster.
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Oh Jenni my heart breaks for you! I am so very sorry this is happening to you. I always say that sadly not every stepmom is created equal…just like not every parent is created equal. It really bothers me to hear of stepmoms who make the rest of us sound bad and “wicked.” Being a “stepmom” already has enough bad connotations. I pray that she has a change of heart. I pray for not only your sake but for your daughters sake, she realizes what kind of damage she is doing.
And thank you for the compliments. I am just a woman who loves all of her children unconditionally. Whether it’s biological or bonus 🙂
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Thank you for your post. As the biological mom, I constantly try to see things from my estranged husband’s and his mistress turned girlfriend’s point of view. I pray they will make good decisions when they spend time with my three children. I do struggle with the “mistress” spending time with my children. She knew my children and I existed and I did not know that she existed for quite some time. Although, I do not blame her because it was my husband’s disrespectful behavior. I’m working to trust myself again. I’m working through the sting of their time with my children because my children need their father. Thank you for your post.
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That is such a difficult thing to go through! I am so sorry that happened to you. However, your comment warms my heart! I am so glad my post was helpful for you. This life isn’t easy for anyone involved and it’s sometimes hard to see it from the other sides perspective. I commend you for wanting to try for the sake of your children. You are a strong and great mother for that!
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