An Open Letter To My (Step) Children’s Mothers

Bio Mom(s) this one is for you…..from a loving (Step) Mom.

My situation is a little different than the average blended family. I not only have four (step) children, but my husband has to coordinate, plan, and communicate with two bio moms.

The older three kids are from my husbands first marriage and the baby is from his second marriage.

As of right now I have a good relationship with ex-wife #1 and not so much with ex-wife #2. However, ex-wife #2 is coming to the realization that I love her daughter as if she were my own and that she loves me dearly.

Even though I get along pretty well with ex-wife #1 and not so much with ex-wife #2 I wanted to address some issues that may have arose in the past two years or that may arise in the future.

An Open Letter To My (Step) Children's Mothers

First and foremost…

I am not trying to replace you.

You are and always will be their biological mother. You carried them for nine months, gave birth to them, and nurtured them into the loving children they have become. I would NEVER try to replace you because you are the most important woman in their life. Trust me….I have not and will not forget that.

Not to mention if it weren’t for you….I wouldn’t have my beautiful (step) children.

If a parent can love more than one child, a child can and should be able to love more than one set of parents.

As I said before I am not trying to replace you BUT I feel it is okay for the kids to love me as a parent too. No I didn’t give birth to them and I am coming in late in the game…but I am still a parental figure in their lives. When they are at the house I kiss their boo-boos, make sure they have what they need, and give them the love they need/deserve.

I am NOT in competition with you.

I saw a pin on Pinterest that summed this point up perfectly. It said,

“Biomoms and stepmoms need not compete. When was the last time you saw someone try to beat a team member in a relay race?”

I know my mouth must have dropped when I read this. It is SO true! Bio mom we are on the same team! We have to same goal: the happiness and well being of children we both love. I don’t want to compete with you and you shouldn’t feel the need to compete with me.

If I haven’t already, I may step on your toes in the future.

Before anyone gets excited….I’m not doing this on purpose. Even though I have not given birth to these children or a child (yet) I do still have motherly instincts as a woman. I may try to do something that I think is the best interest of the child not meaning to step on your toes or make you look bad. When those mother instincts kick in we all know sometimes we act then think. When this happens remember I am only trying to do what is best for the children….that is it. There is no vindictive or backstabbing behavior intended…I PROMISE.

I know…sometimes it hurts.

When you got married I know that divorce was never in your plan. You didn’t think you’d be faced with having to deal with another woman around your child. A woman your child(ren) love unconditionally and see as a mother figure too. No I don’t have children of my own yet so I don’t know exactly how you feel but I can imagine that it comes with a powerful sting. Just know that I came into the picture way after your divorce and I should not be hated for that reason. When it hurts…just know that I love your child(ren) as if they were my own. Hate me for something else…not because I love your children and they love me. Trust me I am human, I make mistakes, pick one of my many other flaws as a reason not to like me.

There are going to be times we don’t see eye to eye on thing.

That pretty much sums up parenting in general doesn’t it? My husband and I don’t always agree on the same parenting approaches. So naturally bio mom….we aren’t going to agree either. We need to respect each other enough to not cause problems and get in the way with how we parent the children. That is unless one approach is harmful to the child.

I would love to be able to be civil.

Ex-wife #1 sometimes bypasses my husband and comes straight to me to figure things out (this is helpful because my husband can be forgetful lol). I love how me and her can communicate and figure out what is best for the children. We are able to sit near each other at school functions such as ball games and allow the kids to spend time with everyone at once.

I would love to be able to do that with ex-wife #2 but the baby is still little and we still have time to build that relationship. I have faith it will happen.

What is the take away from this post?

Whether bio mom or stepmom….we are both moms in the eyes of our children. We need to try to work together as much as possible to ensure that our children grow up getting what they need from both of us. I am not here to replace you but to augment our children’s life.

You gave them the gift of life, and life gave me the gift of them!

I hope this post helps others…even if it is just one person

(Step)moms just keep being the best you can be, and I pray you and the bio mom are able to work together for the children.

Kirstie

 

 

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7 thoughts on “An Open Letter To My (Step) Children’s Mothers

  1. Wow! Thats impressive and i hold so much respect for your views of yourself as a stepmom. I am a stepmom too, and tjo now i have a son if my own, i still have difficulty dealing with my stepson in my life. Reading your post has helped me realize that no matter what, my family is not like any other family (husband and wife and their biological children), because my husband has a son from another woman before i married him. I have probably unconciously fights with this concept, because i hated it. I dont like the fact that one of the child in my household is of another woman, and now i am raising him with my time, money, and my resources including my husband. I have raised him inti a high schooler but i am still having hard time with accepting him as a son like my 3 yr old son. Pls enlighten me.

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    • Lorna this comment makes my heart happy! I love hearing that I have helped others in some way with my blog. Being a stepmom is NOT easy and sometimes it’s just downright HARD! But it takes a special type of person to be a stepparent and it sounds like you are doing your best and that is all that can be asked of you. Keep on keeping on!

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  2. Thank you so much for this. My future husband has two children by two different ex-girlfriends. While I have been all in and very excited to be a step mom the birth moms of my future step children not so much. They’ve been rude, hard to communicate with and even abusive when it comes to giving the children’s dad a chance at being a true dad. I try to stay out of it, but it hurts to see them use the children as a weapon towards their dad, especially when he is a great dad and he loves them and misses them. This really gave me comfort and encouragement.

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