“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

May 11.

A day that was once synonymous with happiness for me.

May 11, 2013

I graduated college. This was an exciting day because after four years of tears, sweat, and hard work I had finally graduated from college with my Bachelor’s in Public Relations.

My day was even more special because I got to share it with my little sister :).

 

May 11, 2016

Baby Thompson’s due date.

Wait what? That’s today.

Yes that is today. Today was supposed to be a happy day for me. Nine months ago it was an extremely happy day for me. But now I sit here wondering how I should feel. Searching for a word for how I actually feel. The only feeling that comes to mind when describing what I feel right now is…sadness.

Today, May 11, 2016 was the due date for Baby Thompson….the baby we lost last September.

Read, How I Found Out I Was Pregnant to learn the whole story about the day I found out I was pregnant with Baby Thompson. I actually went back and read it before finishing this post and the emotions all came pouring back. Only this time they were accompanied by sadness because I knew the end result.

I have been dreading this day for weeks. The only thing getting me through it all is feeling my precious Reylin kick and move inside of me. Does it lessen the blow? Maybe a little. Does it take it away? Absolutely NOT.

My post, The Baby Only God and I Held: Losing Baby Thompson describes the terrible day we found out I had lost the baby.

I was heartbroken and still am. Little did I know that just a few short weeks later God would bless us with our rambunctious Reylin. I realize many women aren’t as lucky. I sit here wanting to cry because I lost baby Thompson…. but get upset at myself because in just six short weeks my daughter will be here. I get upset at myself because there are so many women that may never get to experience pregnancy again after a miscarriage or have to go months or years of trying to get pregnant again. I was blessed and need to be thankful but I am human and sometimes let my earthly emotions take over.

I honestly don’t know how I would feel if I had not gotten pregnant so quick. If it was nine months out and I was still feeling the emptiness the miscarriage left me with I know I would be a mess. It was eight weeks before I found out I was pregnant this time. It was a very dark eight weeks. I honestly don’t know if I ever came back from it. I lost a piece of me and  I will never get that back.

So am I surviving this day? Yes…I have to.

Do I want to cry? Of course!

Do I still feel an emptiness? You better believe it!

However, I have to know that God has a reason for everything and that’s what has gotten me through this very difficult time. He knows more than we do and we must lay all of these emotions and fears at His feet. This is something that I struggle with every day of my life….letting go so he can take control.

He may not have seen fit for Baby Thompson to make it to earth but he did see fit to send our rainbow baby….Reylin.

What is a rainbow baby you ask?

A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, still birth, or infant loss.

I found two great ways to describe rainbow babies below. I found them here.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.”

“Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.”  

Like her papaw and daddy, Reylin will be another rainbow baby in the family. It’s odd to think of it this way but Reylin will be a third generation rainbow baby.  The Thompson family sadly has many angel babies.

Have you recently experienced a miscarriage or lost a baby? Are you like me and dealing with what would have been your baby’s due date? If so I highly encourage you to listen to Lauren Daigle‘s song Trust In You. I have included some lyrics from the song below. It is a song that speaks to me on so many levels but it just so happen to come on while I was writing this post. I was just overcome with a sense of peace.

“I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less.”

No one wants to deal with the dreaded word miscarriage. Sadly 1 in 4 women will suffer a miscarriage in their lifetime. It’s not an easy “thing” to deal with. Some may never overcome it while others can easily push it to the back of their minds. All I know is that prayer and a great support system has gotten me to the point where I am today. I know you may feel lost right now and feel that this is it…..but DON’T give up! Keep trying for your rainbow baby, put your faith in the Lord! Without Him we have nothing.

I’m going to end this by saying that I do not personally know all of my readers. And someone may stumble across this post 10 years down the road, but know that I have prayed for you and will continue to pray for the women who will be in this situation in the future.

Kirstie