Growing up most little girls dream of getting married and having children. They have their life planned out and of course it is nothing short of a fairy tale. However, in blended family life nothing resembles a fairy tale unless people are referring to the stepmom as “wicked.”
Little girls don’t dream of marrying someone who has been married before, marrying someone with children they had with a previous wife. They definitely don’t dream of marrying a man that has been married multiple times before and has children with different birth mothers. They especially don’t dream of dealing with ex-wives that are extremely high conflict! I know as a child, teenager, young adult, and adult I never thought I would marry someone with children let alone four very small children. This life was not my first choice…I’d be lying if I said it was. My family is the result of two failed marriages. Two times another woman called my husband their husband.
Before we got too serious my husband warned me that his life was hectic, full of drama, and not something he wanted to involve me in. Did I listen? No. I loved him and at the time didn’t fully understand what he was saying. My parents divorced when I was young so I thought I had a good understanding of visitations, stepparents, switching holidays/school breaks, ect. Boy was I wrong!
Coordinating with two women so we could have all four children at once, dealing with drama from a high conflict woman, constantly being let down or angered by others, and experiencing emotions that I had never felt before were not what I had envisioned!
There have been many times I’ve wanted to throw the towel in. Many times I wanted to admit that this life is too much for me. Trust me, my life would be so much easier if I left. No more birth moms, no more every other weekend/every other week, no splitting holidays, no more arguing over what clothes the children come in, no more pick-ups/drop-offs, no more anger (at least in this situation), and no more constant aggravation that comes with this life.
You’re probably thinking….”why don’t she just leave!?”
That’s all fine and dandy but leaving means leaving my husband and children. Would you leave your children?
This life does get hard and sometimes it is hard to bare….at times this is an understatement!
I don’t even want to speculate how many tears have been shed the past few years. Or the times I’ve had to stop and pray because I was overwhelmed/upset with something that happened. Something totally out of my control I might add. Or the times that I have just wanted to SCREAM! The heartache that comes with being a stepmom can sometimes be overwhelming. There are times that I feel I don’t have control or a say so in my own life. There are times that my life is dictated by the actions or decisions of two other women.
If I didn’t have an understanding and amazing husband I’m not sure that I would have been able to make it this far. He includes me in on everything. He cares about how I feel and ensures that I feel that I am an important part of this story too. I am NOT the story book “wicked stepmother.” I am a parent in this situation too.
If you have not lived this life there is no way to describe it. Being a stepmom can be one of the most amazing experiences and yet at the same time break you down mentally, physically and emotionally. There are times that in one day my heart can be melted by something one of my children says or does and then fifteen minutes later our lives can be turned upside down by something out of our control. If you are a stepmom you will know exactly what I am talking about!
To my fellow stepmoms….
It IS okay to want to run away sometimes and it IS okay to wonder what you got yourself into. This doesn’t mean you love your husband or bonus children any less!
However, when you snap back into reality realize that God has placed you in this family for a reason. Anyone can be a mom or dad. It takes a special individual to be a stepparent. We love children that we did not give life to. We love the children by choice. We deal/put up with unimaginable things for our husbands and children. WE do it all out of LOVE! Blended life isn’t for everyone. Not everyone is meant to be a stepparent. Not everyone is meant to be a parent in general. But fellow stepmoms….guess what? We ARE meant for this life. We ARE supposed to be exactly where we are. We ARE meant to be a parent to our bonus kiddos!
I couldn’t imagine my life without my husband and five children. So when I have those thoughts of throwing in the towel I see the faces of my four bonus children and know that this is where I’m meant to be. I am meant to be a mother figure to them. I am meant to be their father’s wife. God placed me here because they need me somehow.
I love my family and while this life wasn’t my first choice I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t have my amazing husband, my four sweet bonus children, or my precious daughter. None of that is something I want to change.
This life may have not been my “first choice” but this is my happily ever after!
As a stepmom do you ever feel overwhelmed? Do you feel like you’re at the end of your rope? Guess what?? That is completely normal! Just remember, “this too shall pass.”
With that being said I am going to leave you with something I hope helps you:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
5 thoughts on “Blended Family Life Was Not My First Choice ”
You’re doing great! Thanks for sharing your experience.
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Thank you. I really appreciate it 🙂
I hear you and loved this post. I just cant love my stepson. I dont even like him. I am bipolar and he is ADD and has social disorders. We are at the point of ending it. I love your advice, but what if I am incapable? Does that make me stepmombitch from hell? You survived the years. I am envious.
So glad I found your blog. You have no idea how much comfort these words have brought me. I feel like you typed exactly how I have been feeling. It’s really good to know I’m not alone.
That makes me so happy to hear!This is definitely a hard life and no you are not alone in your feelings. I believe every stepmom experiences most of the things I discussed in this post at least once. I’m glad it was able to bring you comfort 🙂